SURVIVOR STORIES

Karen Papajohn (with son AJ)
mamaj2004@sbcglobal.net

I gave birth to my son on November 19, 2004. It was the most incredible and the most memorable experience of my life. I'll never forget being in the hospital with my newborn son thinking, "Oh gosh, now what?" All my friends kept saying, "Don't worry, you'll figure it out. Just give yourself some time."

I got home from the hospital and I felt numb. My husband was on top of the world, so happy to be a Dad and so excited to show off his son. I kept wondering why I didn't feel the same "joy" and "happiness" of welcoming this precious gift into my life as my husband did? I thought maybe I was just sleep deprived and exhausted, I was sure I would feel differently when I was a little more rested.

The weeks passed I still wasn't feeling the "happiness" I thought I was suppose to. I was very emotional, I wasn't sleeping well (I don't know if any new Mom does) and, to make matters worse, I kept having very disturbing thoughts about me and my son. At first, I thought maybe all this was "normal"? Sleep deprivation can do strange things to a person...
I remember going to my 4 week check up with my Ob/Gyn. I was feeling miserable that day and I didn't know how I was going to get the energy to get dressed and get to the Dr's office on time. I asked my husband to come with me. The extra set of hands with the baby would be a little relief given the "daunting" thought of having to leave the house.
The Dr did my physical check up and told me that everything "looked good" and that I was "healing nicely". Then she said, "Isn't having a baby such a miracle and a blessing?" I remember not even being able to utter any words, all I could do was break down and cry uncontrollably. After I composed myself, my appointment was finished. She never asked how I was doing emotionally or otherwise. Maybe she thought my tears were tears of joy?? I left her office with my head clouded with thoughts of, "I guess this is all normal and I'm suppose to feel this way"? All I could think about was I guess this is what they call the "baby blues"???

As the weeks went on, my feeling of "darkness" persisted. I had terrible insomnia, despite being exhausted, my skin crawled when I tried to lie down and sleep, I had obsessive compulsive thoughts about death and about putting my son in the oven. I also saw him floating dead at the top of the spa we had in our backyard. I felt completely overwhelmed with the thought of doing the smallest task (like going to the store to buy milk), my stomach churned all the time and I couldn't eat (and I was breast feeding so I needed to be eating something to keep my milk coming in). I remember not wanting to be home alone with my son all day long. I resented my husband for being able to take a shower and leave the house every morning to go to work. I avoided all my friends phone calls to want to get together for coffee or lunch. I didn't want anyone to see how miserable I was feeling - I felt so transparent. I thought that if I was dead, everything would be so much better for my husband and my son. All my family lives in Canada. I certainly didn't feel close enough to any friend here to share these awful feelings with so I continued to suffer.
After 8 weeks of this, I finally called my Dr. back and spoke to the nurse practitioner about what I was experiencing. I could hardly get the words out over the phone. Thankfully she referred me to Dr. Pec Indman. Dr. Indman is a nationally recognized expert in the field of mental health related to Pregnancy and Postpartum mood disorders.

I began working with Dr. Indman and, over time, I began to feel better. I was resistant to medication early on in our work together, however, after about 3 months, I chose to start taking antidepressants. I never wanted to accept that I was "depressed". I had a baby, I wasn't "crazy"!! Then I began to learn how powerful hormones are and that, when they aren't in balance, your body can have difficulty functioning properly.
When my son was 9 months old, I remember writing on my desk top calendar, "I had a good day today". The "dark glasses" I had been wearing for the last while had started to become brighter. I began to be able to sleep better and the obsessive thoughts weren't always on my mind. I still had some "dark" days however, I knew I was on the road to recovery. I worked with Dr. Indman for close to 18 months. She, and my family and friends, were a tremendous support system. I'm forever grateful for all the love and help they have given me.

Today, my son is almost 4 years old. I love him with all my heart and I can't imagine my world without him. Postpartum depression is a journey I will always remember. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about not being afraid to be open and honest with what I'm feeling.
Regards,
Karen

Annie Etzel (MacKenzie)

annieetzel@comcast.net

I suffered from paralyzing anxiety/depression after college. I had been successfully treating it with Zoloft for years before getting pregnant. My biggest concern before my first pregnancy was that I was on Zoloft, and if it was safe during pregnancy. My Dr. convinced me that it was safer for me and my unborn child to stay on the drug during my pregnancy. The risk of me getting depressed outweighed the possible risks of the drug. My first pregnancy went without issue, and my son was born in 2002. I went about my second pregnancy the same way, and stayed on my Zoloft. Again, my pregnancy went without issue, and my daughter was born in 2005.

My daughter was 6 months old when I was hit with PPD. I had gone 7 years on my Zoloft without any issue, so I was caught off guard. It literally hit me one day. I woke up with feelings of fear, failure, and dread. I was lucky that I knew what it was; I had dealt with depression before. It's hard to explain, but anxiety/depression literally makes me afraid of my own thoughts. I feel scared in my own skin. The logical me could tell myself that these were just feelings, but the emotional me didn't care what was causing it, I just wanted it to stop. I called my Dr., and she doubled my dose of my Zoloft. Unfortunately, it takes a few weeks to take affect. I was scared to be home with my kids while my husband worked. I didn't think I would do anything, but the intrusive thoughts were terrifying. I took my kids, and went to Ct. for a week to stay with my sister. She took care of my kids, while I slept, and waited for my Zoloft to kick in. The more I did, the better I felt. Getting up and taking a shower, taking a walk. I was literally trying to get through each day, waiting to take another dose of Zoloft. Time passed, and eventually there would be a time where I would realize I hadn't had "bad feelings" for 10 minutes, which became an hour, a day, a week, until I finally felt like myself again.

My daughter is now 2 and ½ years old, and I have been doing well. I live my life very aware of my feelings. If I start to feel sad, it scares me. If my adrenaline gets going, I fear a panic attack. Because of my history, my husband, friends and family have learned to be aware of my actions. If I start to ignore phone calls, or sound distant to them, they now have the knowledge to talk to me about it.

For someone who has not dealt with depression it is impossible to explain. Although you may be trying to help, telling someone to snap out of it, or just be happy, is not going to cure them. There are professionals who are much more equipped than we are to decide what the treatment should be. Depression is not embarrassing, it is a disease. It should not be hidden, or taboo. I say this to anyone out there that may be dealing with PPD, anxiety, or any form of depression....IT WILL GET BETTER. I know it is impossible to believe, but IT WILL!

Rachel

I have three babies, and I had a bout of PPD after each was born. Luckily, I suppose, I had experience with depression earlier in my life, and when the blues hit I recognized the feeling and knew that I could fix it. But I hid it from everyone, there is no way that anyone, not even my husband, knew just how unhappy I was. I felt that there was no point in telling anyone, because in my mind there was no way they could help. I was so grateful to have my baby, to no longer be pregnant, and to be so in love with my child. But there was still a sadness that was overwhelming. I was one of the lucky ones, I had a Dr. I was very comfortable with and I did call her and get back on medication, and I responded quickly. I also had a network of mom friends, some of whom had experienced PPD much more severely than I, so I knew that it was common and to be prepared for it. I did not need the antidepressants for very long, and I was able to continue breastfeeding, and most importantly for me and my baby, I was healthy and happy again after getting help.

 

Stephanie

I am the mother of a 2 year old daughter and for the first time in a very long time I am able to enjoy myself and my daughter. Soon after my daughter was born, I began doubting myself, feeling anxious, to be honest I just felt lost, not connected to myself, my daughter, anyone or anything.

Sure, everybody thought I was fine, because I made it look that way. I wasn?t the picture of depression. I would still get up every morning, put on my make-up, make myself presentable and when I was around others I would put on a happy face. But, it was when I was alone that I began to feel afraid of what was going on inside my mind. I would cry a lot and I just felt like something was off within me. I was ashamed of the way I was feeling and it took a very long time for me to share my feelings.

You see, I was always the strong one in my family, usually making my family proud, I was the one others would come to for help, so I think that only made it more difficult to face my feelings. When I finally sought help, which was very recent, I was told I do in fact have depression. My therapist then asked how long I had been feeling this way and my answer was about 2 ½ years, well, my daughter is 2 ½; it became apparent my symptoms have been present since the birth of my daughter.

I see my therapist once a week now and my promise to myself, my daughter and my family is that I will continue to see her. It is a process, but I am beginning to feel better, more connected to myself, my daughter and I no longer feel lost. Please ask for help, there are a lot of us out there who understand and will understand.

Love and Light~

Stephanie